


Clothes make the man

by zephfair



Category: Da Vinci's Demons
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Fluff, M/M, and fandom conversations with a partner in crime, attempted humor, based on a shirt I saw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-09-08 20:52:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8861098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zephfair/pseuds/zephfair
Summary: Zo's T-shirt was supposed to be a gag Christmas gift, but if he's lucky, it might predict the future.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [IdrisEleven](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IdrisEleven/gifts).



> Based on a shirt I saw on eBay and immediately had to share with the fabulous and enabling Idriseleven. It just went downhill from there. Love you, Idriseleven, you’re the best!
> 
> No warnings, I don’t think, except for naughty language because it’s Zo and we all know how he is.

“Nico, Nico, what in the name of all that is good and holy is this?!” Zo pounced on the bright yellow T-shirt Nico was about to stuff into his duffle with all the rest of the things he was taking home for Christmas break.

Nico flushed and grabbed at it, but Zo was faster and unfolded the shirt to see the name he’d thought he saw. Then he hooted in laughter. The T-shirt had three ticky boxes, an empty one next to “Single,” another empty next to “Taken,” and a third one checked next to “Mentally Dating Girolamo Riario.” 

Zo laughed some more at the look on Nico’s face. “There's a girl in my Intro to Marketing class, she was making them for the holidays for some extra money. She’d print any name we wanted,” Nico stuttered out.

Zo wiped his eyes and realized that maybe the kid had gotten it for himself—and what did that say about Nico’s taste in men—but while Zo lived to embarrass his friends, he didn’t actually want to hurt Nico’s feelings. At least in private. So he offered him a way out, feeling magnanimous with the season and all the goodwill that came with the end of a semester.

“So obviously, you thought it was the perfect gag gift for Leo!” Zo told Nico and saw his face brighten with relief.

“Yeah!” Nico agreed quickly. “It’s going to be hilarious.”

“Too bad,” Zo informed him. “I’ll take it for myself, as my present from you.”

“But Zo, you hate Riario,” Nico reminded him.

Zo’s eyes narrowed as he thought about the arrogant prick, the son of a bitch who strutted around campus with his nose in the air, believing he was better than the rest of them. He was the cousin of Leo’s off-again on-again girlfriend, and Zo swore Riario was also the on-again hook-up when Leo was off-again with Lucrezia. Whatever he and Leo got up to secreted away in Leo’s room, Zo didn’t like to think about, but he knew that Riario took up a whole lot of Leo’s time—crowding out his BFF time. Zo had been thinking up schemes to get rid of Riario all semester, but nothing seemed to faze his holier-than-thou attitude. Until Zo started to form a nebulous plan.

“It’s perfect,” Zo said and clapped Nico on the shoulder. “I have just the perfect place to wear it. Thanks!”

“So...you don’t want the new Final Fantasy game?” Nico held out a package wrapped in newspaper and smirked.

“Well, if you insist,” Zo tackled him to the bed and wrestled the gift away. “I’ve been a good boy this year. I deserve two presents from my favorite roommate.”

******

The next night was the holiday party the housemates and friends had planned before everyone left campus in a mad rush. Zo waited until the crowd was at maximum capacity before making his entrance. He walked downstairs to chuckles and titters from those who had already been drinking everything on offer.

He accepted hugs from friends and gave hugs to female strangers who were happy to snuggle up, but he kept working his way through the packed living room to the dining room. He bypassed the shitty although potent punch—he was pretty sure Amerigo had planned to spike it after Zo had already taken care of it—and God only knew what Leo might have added to any of the open drinks.

Zo snagged a beer and saw his best friend huddled up with Lucrezia in one arm chair in a corner right beside the darkened pantry door. Zo walked up and posed in front of them, hands on his hips, chest thrown out, and had the distinct pleasure of seeing Lucrezia choke on her wine cooler.

“That’s certainly something,” she finally got out between coughs.

Leo was just staring perplexedly at Zo.

“Why thank you,” Zo preened, stroking his chest. “My Magnificent Manpelt is most certainly a thing of wonder. A true sign of virility and overwhelming manliness, you know.”

“I did not know that,” Lucrezia looked like she was having a hard time keeping a straight face.

“The more hair, the better the lover,” he leaned in a little to confide, and Lucrezia snorted.

“I was actually talking about your shirt,” she gestured with her bottle. 

Zo knew that, but he’d had much more fun talking about his true pride and joy. That’s why he’d gone to work on the T-shirt, cutting off the crew neck and instead cutting a plunging neckline right between the ticky boxes and words, down to the third choice, then tucked back the edges. Zo always felt much comfortable letting his chest _breathe_.

“Do you like it?” he asked her and Lucrezia began to laugh.

“Do you really wish you were dating Girolamo?” she retorted.

Zo shrugged. “As if his too-good-to-be-true highness would deign to date a mere plebe. It’s funny how someone who literally everyone on campus knows of doesn’t ever seem to date. Or maybe he does, and they just haven’t found the bodies yet. Who knows, but my shirt has been very popular tonight!”

“But why are you dating him _mentally_?” Leo finally asked. “Does it mean that you are dating in your imagination or that you two are dating on an intellectual level but not a physical one?”

Zo opened his mouth then shook his head. “Whatever he took, cut him off for the night, alright?” Zo told Lucrezia who only shrugged then he leaned down to Leo’s level. “I’d only date the bastard in my imagination because who would want to date that crazy psycho up close?”

Zo heard a quiet throat clear from the shadows of the pantry and jerked back just as a black-clad arm grabbed at him. “Fuck, gotta go spread more good cheer. Be back later,” Zo spun away and escaped into the relative safety of the crowd. He didn’t think Riario was crazy enough to attack him in front of so many witnesses. As long as he stayed away from the kitchen area, he was probably safe.

It was a good strategy, he congratulated himself many times, as he worked the crowd. It wasn’t hard to find pretty girls willing to fetch him a drink when he was empty, and he knew enough of the guys to always find a conversation he could enjoy. 

Zo began to relax and get a kick out of the giggles his shirt caused, and he pretended they were all in admiration of his chest instead. He even coaxed several willing coeds to stroke it.

But in the back of his mind, he knew Riario was still there—somewhere. When he turned to look toward the kitchen, he could see Riario had stepped into the light, still remaining near Lucrezia and Leo. He had a glass in hand, but Zo never saw him take a sip. Instead, his dark eyes judged the room at large even as he shared a head nod occasionally with someone he knew.

Zo wondered what it was about Riario that drew people in. He must be intelligent or Leo wouldn’t have wasted time with him. He must have something attractive because Nico was totally crushing on him, and claimed Riario had a dry wit and snarky streak that left him laughing, when it wasn’t directed at him.

Zo squinted at him, wondering why he was even lurking at the party if he was just going to stand there and look miserable, when Riario met his eyes. Zo hissed “Fuck” several times under his breath and turned back to the sweet blonde on his arm, admiring the blue and purple streaks in her hair that left her blushing. 

Between the blonde and a cup of the punch that she got him and which he drank before he remembered his reasons for not imbibing it, Zo was getting very relaxed. And very drunk. And he eventually forgot his reasons for avoiding the kitchen when he had the sudden and overpowering urge for some Oreos.

He remembered why he wasn’t supposed to go there when a strong arm grabbed his and propelled him into the dark pantry. His back bounced off a cabinet and he yelped, “The fuck!” loudly at the sudden pain.

Zo couldn’t see him clearly, but he could feel Riario right in his face, seething up close and very personal. “What. Is. That,” Riario’s voice was quiet but Zo could hear the burning anger.

“What is what?” Zo yelped as he bounced again. “Oh, this shirt? This is my Christmas gift from Nico. Isn’t it great?”

“You will take that off right now,” Riario replied in the quiet voice that was more threatening and deadly than Leo’s most deafening explosions. 

Zo had heard Riario’s threats before, pretty much any time the two were in proximity, but this time the tone sent a shiver down his spine. He grinned slowly, knowing Riario probably couldn’t see it, but Zo couldn’t resist always being difficult.

“Well, all you had to do was ask if you wanted to see me shirtless,” Zo said and signing his death warrant, he began to pull it off.

Riario made a noise like a disgusted cat and pulled the shirt back down. As Zo struggled to lift it and pull his head free and Riario worked to pull it back down and prevent Zo from moving, Zo figured they looked like they were doing a strange little dance.

“You’re strong,” he gasped as he tried to hip check Riario away.

Riario just grunted and continued to try to keep Zo dressed.

“If you wanted to get your hands all over me, there are better places to do it,” Zo teased and his ploy worked as Riario froze then snatched his hands back.

“That shirt is disgusting, but it is still far less indecent than this,” he spit out.

Zo was finally free, and smoothed the shirt back down and ran his hands through his hair. “Heh, I think you’re just jealous because I’ve been dating you and you haven’t been dating me.”

He knew Riario was glaring at him even if he couldn’t see it. “That makes absolutely no season,” Riario told him.

Zo shrugged. “You know what you need? To loosen up and have a sense of humor.”

He suddenly felt Riario’s fast breath on his face as his hands gripped Zo’s shoulders tightly. “I’ll show you a sense of humor,” he growled when a loud voice called, “Oh look! Mistletoe!” And the pantry light switched on with a glare that made them both wince.

Vanessa was standing in the kitchen looking at them. “I’m sure you two don’t want to fight and ruin the holiday spirit,” she said sweetly, with just a hint of steel in her tone.

“There’s no mistletoe,” Zo was a beat behind the conversation since his head was swimming with a combination of alcohol and the heat from Riario still pressing against him. “I know for a fact you confiscated all of it and forbade it.”

It was too bad. He had originally planned to attach a sprig of mistletoe to his belt buckle and make the classic joke, but Vanessa had squashed that idea and taken all of it from his room.

“No, there isn’t any, but you two should kiss and make up and get back to the party,” she suggested.

Riario looked at him from inches away, and up close, Zo realized one of the things that Leo and Nico must see in the bastard—he really was pretty in a murdery kind of way.

“Why the fuck not,” Zo mumbled, leaned in and kissed him. He heard Vanessa whoop, and the light turned back off as Riario's fingers tightened on his shoulders and pushed him back, turning his mouth away.

“What are you doing?” Riario hissed.

“Merry Christmas, you fucking asshat,” Zo mumbled, already leaning in to kiss him again. There were several long moments when Zo knew that Riario kissed back before he gripped the back of Zo’s hair and pulled.

It only made Zo moan and tilt his hips forward, directly into Riario’s.

“You are the most unseemly man I have ever met,” Riario informed him.

 _But you still aren’t leaving, asshole,_ Zo thought with a grin. He held his tongue for the first time in his life in favor of licking into Riario’s mouth even as Riario kept a firm hand in the back his hair.

“Wanna make the most of this shirt? Or do you still want me to take it off?” Zo whispered against his ear as he trailed kisses over the hinge of Riario’s jaw then nipped at the soft spot right below his earlobe. Riario’s hand tightened again.

Riario growled in response and pulled Zo’s lips back to his own. Zo grinned into the kiss.

*****

The next morning, Zo stumbled downstairs to help clean up and met the scattered applause from his roommates with a huge smile on his face and one word crossed out in Sharpie on the bright yellow T-shirt.

**Author's Note:**

> I just realized I probably should have added this to my [da Vinci Collection](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6101949/chapters/13987047) but I forgot about it.


End file.
